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What is your worst "uh, you're on speaker phone" story?

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level 1
1.8k points · 5 days ago

Friend of mine, who is a girl, and I are driving in my car to another friend’s house. I call one of my best friends to see what he’s up to and let him know that me and, let’s call her Tabetha, are going out for the night.

He responds with, “oh no way dude, that’s awesome! She has cans!”

My heart stopped and she just looks at me. I go, “bro, she’s in the car with me and you’re on speakerphone...” Tabetha says, “heyyyy...”

He then says, “yeah, I’m not going out anymore...”

level 2
365 points · 4 days ago

As a Brit, wtf does ‘she has cans’ mean?

level 3
537 points · 4 days ago

Tits.

level 4

I assumed cans was beer and was wondering why everyone got so awkward

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level 1
6.7k points · 5 days ago

I used to work security at a casino. I showed up to a shift one night to be told that my cruisey gig of riding around the car parks making sure there aren't any babies /pets locked in cars was cancelled and I'd be hauling ass on the main gaming floor all night.

I was annoyed, and after the briefing I went to the staff caf to get a coffee and change. Down there, I plop down onto a couch and start bitching to one of my co-workers about my boss, the job, specific colleagues... I was extremely insubordinate and critical of my own team, but it was ok. This was a private conversation.

Or so I thought until the floor supervisor finds me and tells me im sitting on my radio's PTT button. Every security officer, not to mention every surveillance operator (all up, some 140 individuals) on shift had just been treated to ten minutes of me blocking comms with my bitching. I wish I could have died right there. I still had 11.5 hours left on my shift.

level 2

Rough, man. I work as a train conductor and similar deal happened. Mic was stuck open, some things were said (mostly about the supervisors), someone got called into the office for "improper radio procedures."

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level 2

I work in law enforcement and I always try to look out for my team, whether I liked them or not. Whenever someone did this (we called it a Hot Mic), I would repeatedly key up my radio to break up their transmission until it stopped. Our “leadership” did not respond well to criticism and would crucify anyone that had anything negative to say about them. I didn’t want anyone to lose their job or get written up for speaking their mind.

level 3

This is a real person. An excellent way to be.

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level 3

You’re a good coworker. You looked out for people you didn’t like. So rare.

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level 1
9.7k points · 5 days ago

I had to call my boss for help with a machine that would not cooperate. We are talking as I am tightening a bolt and my slips. I split my knuckle open and called the machine every 4-letter word. I finally stop and he says 'uhhh...I should have told you that you are on speaker with my family in the car'. I could hear his wife laughing but could only imagine his daughter's reaction.

level 2
1.9k points · 5 days ago

I call every inanimate object that has somehow displeased me a whore. The r sound is just somehow soothing when I’m hurt or slightly inconvenienced, so it lasts the longest

level 3
2.1k points · 5 days ago

R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder, and not muckduck.

level 4
795 points · 5 days ago

First degree muckduck

level 5
285 points · 5 days ago

Premeditated muckduck! Muckducked in cold blood!

level 6
131 points · 4 days ago

Yo....you killed him.... you’re a muckduckuck :0

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level 3

Frank?

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level 2

4 letter word? Love, right? Hauhauha

level 3

Live. Laff. Love.

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level 1
1.7k points · 5 days ago

Not me but a VP I worked for.

Bluetooth headsets had just come out for the Blackberry phone. VP got one to be cool. (IT VP)

I asked for one but they were limited to upper management.

VP gets on a call with other VPs, CIO and CTO. He's in Vancouver, they are in San Francisco in a conference room with mics and speakers in the ceiling.

VP needs to pee really badly, do he mutes the headset and goes to the john.

People in San Francisco suddenly stop talking as their eyes turn up towards the ceiling. Someone asks "why does it sound like it's raining all of a sudden?".

VP storms past my desk and throws the headset at me. "It's yours now!".

Early Jabra headsets had a bug that would randomly unmute without warning.

And that's how I got my first company paid Bluetooth headset.

level 2
395 points · 4 days ago

What a fucking fucked up bug.

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level 1
7.6k points · 5 days ago

I was on a conference Zoom (video) call with customers and my kids were upstairs being rather loud. I hit “mute”, ripped my headphones off and yelled “KIDS SHUT UP DADDY IS ON A CALL YOU’RE MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE BE QUIET RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME”.

Satisfied, I turned back to my laptop to see, in horror, a black screen where my visage should have been and 4-5 customers, red-faced with laughter (some with tears in their eyes).

I’d hit the “turn off camera” button instead.

level 2
746 points · 4 days ago

Hey, could be worse https://youtu.be/Mh4f9AYRCZY

level 3

The baby in the walker. I bet every physical comedy writer in their wildest fever dreams can’t come close to scripting something even approaching that moment. And then the desperate lunge of the mother a look of defeat already plastered on her face as she goes in to fight a battle already lost. I love this video. The composure of the man in the face of such comedy is brilliant, bolstered only by his brave decision not to wear pants.

level 4
258 points · 4 days ago

Probably good for his career, it was all over the news for a couple of days... and he was a pretty cool dude.

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level 4

I think this might be he perfect comedy video. It is a masterclass in comic timing and just keeps getting better and better. I would have been happy enough with the sassy strut into the room, but then we get the facepalming, the babymobile, the wife drifting in, the cartoon like yanking of the kids out the room, and the final closing of the door, which might be my favourite bit. 11/10

level 4

Oh man it was like a 6 when the baby came in then a 8 when she burst in and then it just jumped to a 10 when he was so calm and kept going, but showed he had no right pants on.

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level 4

Dude she drifted into that room so slick XD

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level 3

There it is! Puts me in tears every time I watch it 🤣

level 4
113 points · 4 days ago

It's the strut the kid does as she comes into the room. Reminds me of Vindaloo by Fat Les.

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level 2
1.8k points · 5 days ago

This is my favourite comment of them all. It's not mean or anything, just a genuine mistake.

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level 2

As someone who has been part of many Zoom calls from home, Oh goodness I feel you so hard.

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level 2

Oh, hey! We're rehearsing a...a scene!...for the upcoming company play called...uh...Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me. It's a musical! Yeah.

“Put that thing back where it came from or so help me...get that thing away from me you guys...put that thing back where it came from...or I’ll poke myself in the eye....” Ehhh...it’s a...it's a work in progress...it’s uh...it’s gonna get better.

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level 1
9.8k points · 5 days agox2

Post this story before, so here's the cut and paste:

Me and a co-worker were on a conference call. Basically the entire multinational IT team discussing some project coming up with some corporate bigwigs.

So we're told what we need to do, and one of the guys from Holland (I'll call him Bjorn) goes off on one complaining about the workload. He goes on for a solid 20 minutes complaining and just talking in circles...but the thing was, this project wasn't optional, we had to do it no matter what, everyone was in the same boat and he actually had one of the lightest workloads having the fewest users to support.

After his tirade is over, the focus switches to the UK team and we're told what we need to do. We basically just say "Okay, understood."

I mute the phone, turn to my co-worker and say:

"You see how much fucking easier it is to just agree to something instead of wasting everyone's time bitching? It's not like we've got a fucking choice. Just get the fuck on with it. Is it just me or is every conference call like 10 minutes of useful info, followed by 45 minutes of Bjorn bitching?"

Then my co-worker chimes in "Yeah, all he does is fucking whine...'I'm Bjorn, I've got to do some fucking work for once. It's less than everyone else, but I'm going to whine about it for fucking hours'. Every time. "

"Guy's a twat. I've seen how many tickets he does a week. What he calls a busy week, I call an average Monday morning... but it's the way he'll keep whining about something that we can't change. Doesn't matter that it affects everyone, doesn't matter that we've no choice but to suck it up and get on with it, he just talks in circles."

"Yeah, and why moan about it? It's not like the company's going to say 'Okay, we'll cancel a multi-million pound project because fucking Bjorn wants to spin in his chair all day."

Then...we notice the call has gone completely silent. I look at the phone and see the mute button isn't lit up. I shit my pants and, for some reason, mute the phone like it will erase the last minute of conversation. There's dead air for what felt like an eternity, then we hear:

"Ummm...UK, did you say something?"

Me and my co-worker just stare at each other in horror. The company CEO is on the call, so it the main head of IT.

At that moment, the UK IT Head, whose office is just down the hall, boots the door open, barges into the room making cuthroat motions and mouthing "YOU'RE NOT ON MUTE! YOU'RE NOT ON MUTE"

We just stare back in horror and say "We know!"

Then the call goes "Errr....okay, let's carry on."

At that point we see that the UK IT Head is actually trying not to laugh and we figure we can't be in that deep shit... then the call goes on like nothing happened. Bjorn, uncharacteristically, stayed silent.

We didn't get in the shit for it. No-one complained and our Boss wasn't pissed at us because we were basically saying "This is our job, we have to do it so there's no point bitching" and Bjorn never complained (probably because he knew we were right).

Now, we laugh about it...but when we realized the phone wasn't muted and the call went silent, we nearly soiled ourselves.

level 2
2.9k points · 5 days ago

My golden rule for conference calls - as long as the phone is on, never say anything that you wouldn't say if the people were sitting in the same room across the conference table from you. The mic is always on!

level 3
1.4k points · 5 days ago

Treat the phone like a gun! The gun is always loaded and the mic is always on!

level 4

Don't point the mic at someone unless you intend to kill them!

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level 3
458 points · 5 days ago

In healthcare this is meant to be the rule for patients too. I don’t mean ‘on mute’ but even in surgery when the patient is under, or they are acutely unwell and comatose (or scoring low on the GCS) you shouldn’t say things you wouldn’t say in the presence of or to a patient. Because they may be able to hear you. Obviously in surgery it’s fine to be chatting away about what you’re doing after work, or just jokey banter between colleagues but certainly never a derogatory comment about the patient, or even something bleak about their prognosis in a non ‘healthcare speak’ way.

I often see people not respecting that. Anaesthetists seem to be the worst (which is ironic as they spend the most time talking to and looking after the patient (as a person) on the day of the operation. Nurses and healthcare assistants are also pretty bad on the acute wards and emergency departments.

People have gotten caught and even lost jobs in some instances. I remember reading a case of a surgeon making fun of the patient’s breasts, and she had anaesthesia awareness and could recall the whole thing.

We have to distance ourselves emotionally in medicine, and that leads to a certain amount of almost objectifying the patient as a ‘task’. But it’s still a person.

Same goes for residential homes of people with severe learning difficulties or dementia. It’s a person. And in private settings particularly, it’s the first step in the abuse ladder towards outright physical and mental abuse if it goes unchallenged by colleagues.

level 4

I have had a number of surgeries, and recently had one that was quite embarrassing. I told my husband the worst part of the surgery wasn’t the pain or discomfort, but the anxiety of what people in the OR were saying about me and my issue while I was being operated on.

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level 3
234 points · 5 days ago

That's why you just exchange various "what the fuck are they on about?!" gestures in silence

level 4
166 points · 5 days ago

That is when you remember that you are actually on a video conference.

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level 3

Never bad mouth people over texts or social media either- screenshots stink

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level 3

That's the first the rule of theater, always assume every mic is live and feeding the house mains.

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level 2
583 points · 5 days ago

My former boss, during conference calls with clients, always tested the mute button:

<presses mute> "So guys how's the weather out there?"

silence or no acknowledgment

<boss starts talking> "Okay, these fuckers really expect us to..."

level 3
178 points · 4 days ago

Yeah. On a call I always start off

"Can you all hear me?"

If they say yes I'll make up some bullshit, or just straight up say I was going to complain about them and wanted to make sure I was muted.

They think I'm joking and laugh, or they laugh because they know I'm not joking.

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level 3

I should program a phone that mutes for the first 10 seconds then turns on again...

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level 2

All the blood rushed from my head reading this. So terrifying. Glad it worked out for you.

level 3

Scarousal?

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level 2
265 points · 5 days ago

Okay but why was Bjorn, who seemingly has less of an important role/less workload, be allowed to just openly complain about work during a conference call in which a CEO is on the line too? I just don’t quite get that part, lol.

level 3
139 points · 5 days ago

IME, there are a lot of kinds of corporate bitching that are veiled and could be said to be contributing to the conversation. But everyone knows it's really just bitching.

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level 3
57 points · 4 days ago

Dutch work culture is completely different than those of the UK or US or probably anywhere else in the world. Only way to keep a Dutch person from voicing concerns is by not including them in the conversation. Bjorn was probably baby trying to 'polder' using the polder model (look it up on Wikipedia) Also I wasnt in this meeting, but as a Dutch person, I can imagine Bjorn wasn't complaining from his point of view, but I can also coming across as an always complaining bastard to the UK people.

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level 2
105 points · 5 days ago

Fuckin Bjorn.

level 3

Bjorn is a great name. Source: am named Bjorn and have never met another Bjorn

level 4
54 points · 5 days ago

Have you met a Peter and a John, though?

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level 2

That was amazing. Thank you.

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level 1

Got called by a coworker from a different location, whom I never dealt with before. This is paraphrased from 10 years ago

M=me C=coworker

C: Hi this Jerry just calling you for the startup meeting for project X

M: who are you?

C: Jerry from the San Diego office, you’re the lead engineer on Project X that’s been going on since last year

...some other talk about the software being used, told him I’ve never used that software before for development

M: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know why I’m assigned to this project as I’ve never heard of it before and I’ve never done work the San Diego office. If you’re trying to schedule installation and startup and expecting me to do it you’ve got a problem. I’ve been working on Y for the last year.

C: well we’re meeting with the customer (I sensed uneasyness) what am I supposed to tell them?

(It was now I realized I was on speaker)

M: well you’ll have to figure that out on your own as I’ve never been involved in the project and if it’s been going on for a year like you said you’ve got other issues. I would also hope that you wouldn’t have me on speaker and I sincerely hope the customer isn’t there now. (I realized the customer was in the room)

C: okay looks like we’ll have to get back to you <click>

Turns out they wanted me as a scape goat because they had already spent the customers money on a different project to cover cost overruns (rob Peter to pay Paul). We closed that office a month later.

level 2
1.6k points · 5 days ago

How did they think the conversation was going to go??

level 3
330 points · 5 days ago

RIGHT?? Did they think OP would just take the blame for something they've never heard of?

level 4

If Jerry was in sales, that's quite likely to be exactly what he was thinking.

level 5

I had a slimy sales guy berate me in front of a roomful of his peers at an offsite meeting because I didn’t do Project Y for him. WTF? I’ve never heard of Project Y. Decided not to fight him in the meeting; asked him at the break. He mentions a hallway conversation we had 3 months before about something he might need help with down the road. He never said a word about it again. Jerk. But I learned a valuable lesson that day about (some) sales folks: they will throw anyone under the bus if it helps their commission and/or bonus.

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level 3

Yeh that’s what I asked myself. Once I figured out what was going on there was no way I was going down for it. I could tell he got real uncomfortable when I said something along the line of “I hope you don’t have the customer there”. I really wanted to say “you are so screwed” but that would unprofessional.

level 4
404 points · 5 days ago

I think what you said works even better than that, just a subtle 'you just fucked yourself over'

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level 3
77 points · 5 days ago

Just dialed a random company number and hoped whoever answered was suffering amnesia over the project dates

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level 2

Holy fuck that is shady. Could you have gotten in trouble ?

The shit people pull to save their asses, baffling.

level 3

I didn’t do anything wrong. I wasn’t on the project. If I was it would’ve showed up on my timesheet as active.

Talked to my manager about it which is probably what led them to shutting down that office.

level 2

Pretty sure I was the customer on that call. Timing sounds about right. Maybe you changed the city to protect the guilty?

level 3

what happend at your end after the hang up?

level 4

Trust evaporated.

The idea that someone ('Jerry') would call one of their colleagues (OP) in front of a client (me) without having discussed anything in advance was mind blowing. They were so nonchalantly confident about the discussion before they placed the call I've often wondered if they were actually on drugs or something.

I had a somewhat unique perspective having recently come out of an engineering role in a consulting/professional services environment. I was often the 'lead engineer' brought into an opportunity that was being developed. We made sure everyone was on the same page, discussed what-if scenarios, potential sensitive topics, etc. in detail before we ever talked in front of a client. We basically knew everything each other would potentially say and knew which items to 'hold in our back pocket' unless sharing would be helpful.

To watch this unfold from the other side of the table was just heartbreaking. It was immediately obvious where this call was going. This move torpedoed any trust in judgement of the person we were dealing with. I just couldn't fathom the idea that you'd call someone completely cold in front of a customer.

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level 1

Back in highschool I was with my friend and our girls basketball team coach. Definitely was not the best team and the coach was a wonderful person but not a great coach. We had practice that day and she was telling us how she couldn't make it but someone else from the boys senior team would step in for the day if enough of us wanted to still have it.

My coach asked me to call around and see if people still wanted to come. I call my friend (MVP) and put her on speaker (not sure why, I guess so the coach could hear her answer ASAP?) and told her the situation. She said "yea, we might as well (still have the practice), coach ____ isn't really that good and doesn't help us at all, we basically coach ourselves anyway."

I think I was able to turn off the speaker before the last few words but the damage was already done. Coach looked a bit upset initially but then said "wait, what did she say? I couldn't hear her." But the phone was right in between us.

I just said that she said she would enjoy having it and then ran outside the classroom to tell her that she was on speaker phone. This was 6 years ago and I haven't really used speaker phone since.

TL;DR: called my friend in front of coach and friend said coach wasn't good anyway.

level 2
690 points · 5 days ago

This one hurt my heart a little.

level 3

Yeah me too man... I think it's the fact that the coach pretended like he didn't hear it so everyone can save face

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level 3

Coach played it off like a champ though. Based on OPs story, it's safe to say that the coach definitely heard what was said. Maybe not the best coach, but pretty quick witted. Instead of making the girl on the phone, as well as OP uncomfortable, she played it off so that the two players could at least act like she didn't hear. Pretty professional, and I applaud the coach for how well she handled that.

level 2
98 points · 5 days ago

Did the coach try improving? Or did she resign from coaching?

level 3

They started improving a little bit when they followed the lead of the senior boys basketball assistant. Not sure if it was them trying to improve or because he was around more often. They were a much better soccer coach though

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level 1
9.3k points · 5 days ago

13-year-old me:

"Mom I think I just got my period again but it's baaaaaaaad!! There's blood everywhere and there's CHUNKS and I don't know what to doooooooo!! I think I'm dying please come home I think I'm ready to try tampons now"

Her whole office heard. I was MORTIFIED.

level 2
237 points · 5 days ago

When I got my first period my mom was really excited about it. Coincidentally, a couple days later she needed to pick up a friend of hers from the airport and I tagged along with her. We'd been slowed down in traffic a bit so we weren't able to get all the way to the gate before her friend unboarded (this was pre-9/11) so the instant my mom saw her friend she shouted across the entire terminal "Nancy! Guess what! Lachwen got her first period!"

It was early evening. There were a lot of business passengers around. Lots of men in suits turned and stared. I wanted to fucking die.

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level 2
2.2k points · 5 days ago

I had a similar phone call with my mom, except she was grocery shopping while on speakerphone and I was home with the period shits. Apparently, people were staring.

level 3
3.3k points · 5 days ago

What kind of monster has speakerphone conversations in a public place like a grocery store?

level 4
808 points · 5 days ago

The kind of monster that wouldn't tell the other person they're on speaker phone.

level 5
452 points · 5 days ago

And the kind of monster that doesn't turn off speaker phone as soon as something personal comes up. Like, if someone starts talking about something personal and you're on speaker phone, turn that shit off. Don't let strangers hear details of your daughter's period shits.

level 6

Or maybe just don't be on speaker phone in the first place if you're around strangers. Nobody wants to listen to the conversation.

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level 5

Yeah I don’t get this - if I’m driving and have a call going through my hands free kit when someone else is in the car (pretty rare, I don’t get lots of calls), the first thing I do after initial greeting is tell the person they’re on speaker

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level 4

About half of the assholes that live near me.

And they look at me like I’m wrong when I chime in. You’re the one that implicitly included me in your conversation, don’t get mad at me if I participate!

level 5

Something like that happened on a business trip a few weeks ago. We were standing in the jetway boarding the plane and some lady was having a loud speakerphone FaceTime conversation with her mother. At one point her mother compliments her on the jacket that she is wearing. She mentions that it normally costs $90 new but she picked it up off of eBay for $40. At this point some guy in a business suit a few people ahead of her tells her to tell her mother he and everyone else in line says Hi and by the way great deal on the jacket. He didn’t say it in a mean way. It actually got a laugh out of almost everyone nearby as well as the lady and her mother that were one the call.

level 6

I love this. Could have come across as being a dick but executed in a very nice / positive way.

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level 5

Brilliant!! I'm going to start chiming in!!!!

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level 4

Assholes, usually.

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level 2
284 points · 5 days ago

I'm also mortified that your mom thought it was appropriate to take a personal call on speakerphone loud enough for her whole office to hear.

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level 2
758 points · 5 days ago

I read ‘chunks’ right as I took a bite of some jam on toast. Regrets were had.

level 3
583 points · 5 days ago

My husband is a gynecologist and I used to work as his office nurse.

My 12 year old son home early one day from school was eating chili and answered the phone. His voice, at that time, sounded like mine. A patient was calling and thinking he was me detailed her atypical vaginal bleeding, clots, chunks, severe cramps and all. He promptly sent her to the ER.

When we got home he related the story and gestured weakly at the cold bowl of chili on the counter, "Mom, I will never eat chili again."

level 4

In that situation for the patient. Was the ER the right suggestion?

level 5

It was for him.

level 5
73 points · 5 days ago

Thats what i wanted to know!

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level 4
80 points · 5 days ago

I love that he could remain calm enough to just send her to ER.

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level 2
214 points · 5 days ago

Omg, this reminded me of when I used to leave voicemails on the answering machine for my Mom at her workplace. It was back in the days when you leave a message on an answering machine, everyone hears it. It was always so random and embarrassing. I went with her to a company dinner once and her co-workers would tell me about how they heard about this and that from my voicemails.

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level 1

So it wasn't me- but back when I worked at Radioshack, there used to be a morning conference call from the District Manager (Who, I should note, was a colossally pompous, arrogant, petty, vindictive and generally incompetent ass.) The general procedure was the store manager or manager-in-training (Asst. Manager) to take the call.

It was a well known thing that most people would just fucking mute the DM because it wasn't really a MEETING, and more a chance for him to yammer inane pomposity at a captive audience. But he would ask the occasional question, so people did have to pay attention.

So one morning I'm in there at stupid-o-clock and miserably groggy when our MIT calls me to the back room, excited as fuck. I'm wondering what the hell is going on and then he points to the phone. Low-level, barely audible, I hear what sounds like someone mumbling under our DM's blather. It's profanity, it's there, and it's quiet.

Apparently it wasn't uncommon for multiple store managers/MITs to swear at/mock the DM while on mute because it was just that fat of a target. This guy hadn't noticed he wasn't muted and because the DM wasn't listening, he seemed to think he was fine.

And then the guy mumbling shouted a quick load of profanity ending with "And your fucking nose is half your head, you look like a retarded muppet!"

The conference call goes FUCKING DEAD. the DM sorta stumbled to a stop like a failing engine, and then a few seconds later screams, "WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT? YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED!" into his phone.

Yeahhhh... our MIT and I were nearly on the floor laughing out asses off. It was just... this was too surreal to pass up.

level 2
124 points · 4 days ago

Did they find out who it was?

level 3

Oh yeah. And he was very fired. He was one of the MIT's.

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level 1

I'm a medic. We had a patient pinned behind a tractor and was found the next morning. He was still alive but not doing well. I knew he was going to die as soon as we moved the tractor, but I called the emergency department physician for any advice. This was on a radio, so no expectation of privacy or anything.

"Doctor we're here with a 45 year old male, pinned behind a tractor for the last 10-12 hours. Massive trauma noted. Patient is conscious but very weak. Vitals are....... We have two IOs going and have administered two liters of fluid and sodium bicarbonate. We have family here as well. Do you have any orders or request further information?" Just spelling it out.

The goddamn doctor responds "Oh he's fuckin dead."

Yeah, he's going to be, we're going through the motions. And you just made it so much worse to comfort the family.

level 2
1.2k points · 5 days ago

when I was an EMT, we were on scene of an MVA and the male passenger (father) had gone unrestrained through the windshield. He was DOA. The driver was his young daughter and we were trying to get her safely out of the car and backboarded, when some moron firefighter yells from up the road, "HEY WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THE DEAD ONE?!" The girl, understandably, freaked the eff out. I wanted to smack that idiot with the backboard.

level 3
476 points · 4 days ago · edited 4 days ago

Years I ago I was driving behind a car that made a left turn right in front of another larger one. The impact flung the small car off the road. I pulled over and ran up to see if the driver was okay. Others did, too.

It was a warm spring day and the car’s windows were rolled down. It was a woman, unconscious, and a little girl, maybe 5 or 6 years old, in the seat next to her. At first glance, the child looked like she was sleeping peacefully ... until one realized her brains were splattered all over.

As the woman began to regain consciousness, a quick, hushed discussion was held between the group of us who’d pulled over to help: The first thing she’s going to do is look to see if the child is alright — she’s going to be met with the horror of ... It was decided we would hold a cloth up to the woman’s forehead (she was bleeding from a small cut) and that way we could obscure her vision and tell her not to move or turn her head until paramedics arrived. So we did. We were ready. I was chosen to be the one holding the woman’s head, turned away and shielding her eyes from the dead child as she awoke. As expected, her first word was the girl’s name. She asked if her daughter was alright. All I could do was lie and say, “I don’t know, but there are good people over there trying to help her.” I held the woman like that for what seemed like forever, praying inside the paramedics would hurry up and get there. After a couple of minutes the woman seemed to understand what was happening and cried as she told us her daughter was such a good girl, the best. Still, she didn’t fight or try to turn to look.

To this day, I think about that woman and wonder if we did the right thing. Was it wrong to keep her from seeing her baby — maybe from holding her one last time? I/we just didn’t want her last vision of her daughter to be ... the sight haunts me to this day.

level 4
190 points · 4 days ago

That is my worst nightmare but you did amazing. I don’t think I’d want to see either of my children and I think I would know why you weren’t allowing me to see them.

I can’t imagine what it was like for everyone else as well.

level 4
95 points · 4 days ago

If the sight haunts you, imagine if she'd seen it.

You did the right thing.

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level 4

From my perspective you did the right thing. It can't be compared, but your story reminded me of when we cremated my mom when I was 16. It was the kind of place you could view the body one last time and watch them load it into the furnace. My family all looked at her body for several minutes but I chose not to. I didn't want my last memory of her covered in a sheet with her mouth and eyes glued closed. And I'm sure that mother you helped is also greatful you saved her from changing her last image as well.

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level 3

this thread turned out to be a lot sadder than I thought it would be when I clicked on it

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level 3
826 points · 5 days ago

When I was in high school, my mother had a heart attack and fell, hitting her head on the bathtub. She had lost control of her bowels, and the last thing I remember was a firefighter saying "it smells like shit" as they pulled a sheet over.

For years I couldn't shake the thought of killing that guy, but I know it was just a thoughtless comment. I opted instead to send the department a letter about "sensitivity training", and the fire chief apologized and invited me to share my story with the crew so we could all move on from the experience. Anyway, yeah. Words echo in traumatic situations.

level 4
187 points · 4 days ago

Your comment really got me thinking about a few things. Thanks for posting it.

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level 2
1.3k points · 5 days ago

Oh holy shit that is awful :( all of that is just awful. I hope you're ok.

level 3

Yeah I'm fine from that call. It was tough dealing with the family, but I was able to calm them down and get them together with the patient for some final moments. They said goodbye, wife and kids, and we had a clergy member (Pastor I think), pray with the patient and then he went out with the family and consoled them. We shut the barn, moved the tractor, and he died almost instantly.

The patient was at peace with it, it seemed. I was glad we were able to afford some last moments and goodbyes. Not something we see a lot in traumatic deaths.

level 4
645 points · 5 days ago

What is it about crush injuries that causes a person to basically immediately die when the heavy object is pulled off of them?

(I hope you don’t mind me asking instead of just googling it, this just seems like the type of question that would have some seriously disturbing Google results.)

level 5

Copy of my reply to similar question

Basically his organs and major vessels were only being held in place by the pressure put on him from the impact of the tractor, but also when someone is pinned under equipment and experiences what's called compartment syndrome the muscle tissue breaks down and there is no blood circulation, leading to an increase in lactic acid. This is toxic to the body and as soon as the acid returns to the blood stream it irritates the heart muscle, causing cardiac arrest. If cardiac arrest is caused by this it's pretty much impossible to bring them back.

level 6

As someone who wants to become a doctor thanks for the TIL checks username ....Pokémon gangbang

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level 6

That is just crazy. How do you handle knowing you’re choosing your time of death by saying, “Move the tractor!”

So, was this guy in pain? Could he not feel it because of shock or something like that?

If he was found immediately could he have lived because there would be no lactic acid build up?

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level 4
98 points · 5 days ago

The patient was at peace with it, it seemed. I was glad we were able to afford some last moments and goodbyes.

I'm glad you can bring the positives out of such a tragic situation. Thanks for what you do! I've often thought how scary the world would be if everyone was like me and too chicken to do a job like that. You're a special person.

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level 1

Not a happy one.

My dad was supposed to pick up my younger sister and I from school one evening, there was a mandatory club meeting. He never showed up. The school was on the other side of town and the wrong side of the highway so we couldn't walk home. This was also before it was common for kids to have cellphones.

My mom had gotten worried and came to find us at the school an hour after we were supposed to be home. She called my dad and put him on speaker, she's against using phones while driving.

His excuse for not getting us was that he never wanted kids. We were her (mom's) problem. Fuck the kids, he hates them. He went on a long rant about how much he hates us. My mom was too startled to hang up and my sister and I heard everything.

That was probably the worst speaker phone moment I've ever had

level 2

That’s the worst speaker moment anyone has ever had. I’m so sorry.

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level 2
325 points · 5 days ago

Holy shit. That's terrible. Did she leave him?

level 3

It took a few years but yes eventually they separated

level 4
45 points · 4 days ago

wait so did you guys just have to live in a house with a man that you knew openly hated you? Because that just sounds cruel

level 5

Well yeah. But you live with abuse long enough and it seems normal. Just live your best life and be nice to those you meet because you never know what someone is going through.

Oh, and also don't assume that everyone had great parents. If someone is estranged from their parents there's probably a reason. A lot of people are offended by me not talking to my parents and think I'm an awful person without asking my reasoning first.

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level 1
2.0k points · 5 days ago

Background: I work as an accountant, and the day before, had been talking with co-worker about a newish (2nd year) client of ours, who shall be Mr. Smith. He had just received his tax return, and wanted us to redo it with some expenses he'd missed. Nothing too unusual, but he'd done the same thing the year before, and Coworker and I felt a little odd about it.

So the next day, I get a phone call.

Coworker: Hey Popo, I was just talking to Mr. Smith... <I interrupted here>

Me: Oh man, what does that crook want THIS time?

Coworker: Uh, well, he's on speaker with me here, and it turns out that the expenses were just in different categories than he's used to, and we don't have to change anything after all.

Me: Oh...

Needless to say, Mr. Smith was NOT a 3rd year client with us after that...

level 2

Couldn't have played it off as a little office banter?

level 3

“Oh he is? Tell that crook I said what’s up. Yeah I’ll be headed out to meet with another crook in a little while. You know how we call all the clients crook?”

level 4
322 points · 5 days ago

Lol this made me laugh

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level 3

I'd have just acted confused and pretended I thought he was referring to a different Mr. Smith

level 4

Wouldn’t have worked, OP was protecting him by changing his name. His real name is Mr. Zamboni-Jabroni.

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level 1

I had my mother's ring resized for my lady, as I was planning on popping the question. My lady had no clue.

Fast forward a bit, I'm laying on my bed playing around on my phone with my babe right next to me and I got a call from a local number. I answered and heard "Hey RogerThatKid?"

"Yeah"

"Hey it's Chris from [Jewelry store name], just wanted to let you know that the ring is ready."

I couldn't hang up the phone fast enough. I took a quick glance at my girl and saw she was smiling from ear to ear. It didn't ruin the moment when I asked her, and we just tied the knot little over a month ago.

level 2

. I took a quick glance at my girl and saw she was smiling from ear to ear

Thats adorable

level 2
101 points · 4 days ago

This is so cute

level 2
40 points · 4 days ago

Aww yay, a wholesome one! Congrats you 2.

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level 1

I had the girl I like call me to vent about her parents, I put her on speaker because I was writing an essay. She started venting and then my mom walked in and froze when my friend went “I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MY MOM AND THEN MYSELF HOLY FUCKING SHIT”

And I went

“So my mom just heard that”

Mom:”Hey <crushes name>”

She likes my mom so she said hi and went back to venting.

level 2
295 points · 5 days ago

You must have some serious focus to be able to write a paper while being vented to. If it were me, I'd be reading my first draft and stumble on some gibberish that was being said over the phone call lol

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level 1
1.2k points · 5 days ago

Was driving with my gf in the car when she decided to call her mother and felt the need to put the convo on speaker phone without first saying that. Her mom then started on about the dump she needed to take when she got home.

level 2

Judging by the username, you've got some shit stories yourself...

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level 1
394 points · 5 days ago

I had a little private thing with a friend that when we called each other, I would say,”Hey motherfucker”. And he would answer, “Hey bitch”. As people who don’t usually curse, this was fun and stupid. One day I answered his call with the usual ,”Hey motherfucker” He was in his car on Bluetooth with his daughters, ages 9 and 6. Crap.

level 2
326 points · 5 days ago

I mean, you weren't wrong.

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level 1

I was in the car with my friend who had sadly JUST broke up with her boyfriend. I was calling my dad to ask a question about something, and since I was driving I had it on speakerphone. So we get to chatting and I’m like yeah I’m with my friend so and so. And my dad goes “oh the one who got dumped?” It was so awkward. Thankfully she laughed, but she turned super red and I informed my dad he was on speakerphone and he felt pretty embarrassed after that. We all laugh about the story now though. At the time I felt so bad!

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level 1
361 points · 5 days ago

This wasn’t a speakerphone situation, but I work at a software company and we do support chats. One part of our job is using a screen share app that allows us to remote into the user’s computer to fix the issue (usually printer related.) The guy sitting next to me was in the middle of one, and he turned to ask me a question.

A lot of users sometimes forget that we can see their screen, this lady was one of them.

She pulls up the internal messaging app, Slack, and begins to type “God, this chat guy is such a fucking idiot. He’s taking forever, I’ve got shit to do” to her coworker in a personal message thread.

My coworker, being the wonderful person that he is, clicks on her slack typing space and writes “Hey Angie, just letting you know I’m checking to make sure your driver is compatible.”

She immediately logged out of the screen share and got off of chat. Never wrote in again.

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level 1
945 points · 5 days ago

One week in grade 4, one of my classmates and I were picked to do the morning announcements. You start by playing the anthem then read the announcements that the principal gives you. They always got two kids to do the announcements because the system was a bit old and sometimes the anthem wouldn't play properly, so one of them would press play and the other would stick there head outside the office to listen if it was playing. If it didn't, the one at the mic would apologize, stop the tape and both kids would continue the announcements.


One day in our week, the anthem didn't play. I was the one at the door. I tell my partner that it's not playing and we continue. Except she didn't stop the tape, so partway through our announcements the anthem actually gets going and plays as background music for the whole thing. We finish things up and one of the secretaries comes by and tells us that the anthem had been playing the entire time. My partner loudly says "oh shit". The other secretary comes in and tells us that the mic was still live and the entire school heard a 4th grader say "oh shit."

level 2
726 points · 5 days ago

I just love the thought of the national anthem majestically playing in the background as two fourth graders patrioticly recite the morning announcements

level 3
330 points · 5 days ago

"Basketball will be delayed today thirty minutes. The boys' second floor lavatory is closed for maintenance, as well as the girls' first floor lavatory, due to flooding from the above lavatory. Lunch today will be crunchy tacos, not those soft ones. Crunchy ones."

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level 1

My phone is broken and I can only hear whoever is on the other end on speakerphone. Last week, I was walking out of a uni class when I got a FaceTime from my sister. I answered quickly (on speaker) to say I would call her back when I got home but before I got a chance, my 3 year old niece screamed “auntie BeerBattered_Boobies, I did a pooooo on the toilet!!!” Cue lots of strange looks from everyone else in the room also packing up to leave.

level 2
114 points · 5 days ago

Yo you've gotta get excited about that though. Don't ever let them think toilet poops are anything but the best thing in the world or else they might go back to wanting diapers.

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level 2
54 points · 5 days ago

My nephew called to tell me the same thing once. "I made big poop! In the bowl!" I was slightly confused about the bowl till he added "Then we flushed it bye bye!" I'm glad I didn't have that on speaker.

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level 1
481 points · 5 days ago

My hands were busy cooking dinner and I was home alone so when I got a call from my doctor I put her on speaker phone. She was calling about how sex is painful for me because testing came back and xyz reasons, cue my mom walking into the house and hearing a strange woman on the phone telling her daughter what she can do sexually next time to "feel pleasure again."

Thankfully my mom is super chill and she just laughed really hard at the misunderstanding and timing of it all...

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level 1

I just have to say people who put you on speaker without telling you are the devil themselves.

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level 1
4.5k points · 5 days ago

I had it on speakerphone while I was driving once, and I had to... well.. fart. And it wasn't one of those dainty poots, but a 6-man Reinhardt Earthshatter. Well, apparently the phone really wanted to pick that noise up in particular.

That's when my boyfriend cut the conversation off and said "Did you just fart?"

We're married now.

level 2
1.4k points · 5 days ago

but a 6-man Reinhardt Earthshatter.

That's enough to squeeze an upvote out of me.

level 3
432 points · 5 days ago

"HAMMER DOWN!!"

pfffffffffffffffffffft

level 4

Suddenly Reinhardt charges seem a whole lot different now

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level 3
369 points · 5 days ago

My husband used to call me subwoofer ass when we were dating because I once made the bed vibrate with my... emissions. This comment brought that memory back.

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level 2
177 points · 5 days ago

6-man Reinhardt Earthshatter

That's a...colorful description.

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level 1

Ah, this is an old chestnut. Here's the short run-down.

I was attending a high-level brief with some military officers. I was younger and had no role in the brief except to maybe answer 1 possible question. The commander (O-6 USMC Colonel) asks a question but no one has the direct answer, so a young Captain (USMC) calls the appropriate person who is a Major (USMC).

The Major was irritated I guess and speaking harshly to the Captain. The Captain reititerated to the Major that he was on speakerphone with the Commander but he was being repeatedly cut-off. The Major starts talking all this shit about this and that and is basically taking a dump on every gov (GS-14/15) in the meeting. Then he tells the Captain to put the Commander on the phone.

"Sir, sir. This is for the Thursday morning meeting. Col Very_Angry_Now is present and you are on speaker phone."

"Oh."

"Major In_Trouble_Now, this is Col Boiling_With_Rage, yeah after this call I'm gonna need to talk to you one-on-one. Stand by for that."

level 2

"Oh."

Ah, the universal "I have fucked up and have no idea how to proceed" reply. I love it.

level 3
585 points · 5 days ago

“Did you strike my son”

“Yes I did sir.”

“And may I ask why”

“Because he stole John Wick’s car sir. And killed his dog.”

“Oh.”

level 4

With a pencil.”

level 5

"A FUCKING ... PENCIL"

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level 2

Yes Commander. I and my shit filled uniform pants will be present at that time.

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level 1
100 points · 5 days ago

My dad always had his phone on speakerphone. Once he got a motorbike on the sly, didn't tell me it was on the sly. Next phone call I congratulated him on his new motorbike and hear my mom go "What!?" in the background. Dad was in the doghouse for a while, but it was totally his own doing.

level 1

In high school I was babysitting my two younger brothers and several of their friends while all the parents went out for dinner. There was this absolute brat of a kid...he would back talk, refused to share anything, cussed, and would kick me in the shin if I tried to get hear him. I called my mom to ask what to do and apparently she thought it would be fun to put me on speaker so everyone could hear how it was going.

First words out of my mouth “MOM I’m going to KILL this STUPID LITTLE BRAT! [Insert kids name here] is NEVER coming over here again!!!”

All I here is a faint “oh my god” from the kids mom and I immediately realized I was on speaker and hung up. Thankfully I didn’t get in trouble because I wasn’t told I was on speaker, but it did ruin our family’s relationship with them. Haven’t seen that kid in years.

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level 1

"oh, babe. do you still have that Drow costume with the white wig and dark body paint that you wore to Comic-Con last year? put that shit on so i can raid your dungeon with my dragon when i get home"

luckily, my mom who was right next to me had no idea what any of that meant.

level 2
501 points · 5 days ago

later that evening

"Roll a Performance check."

level 3
164 points · 5 days ago

Acrobatics check or you're doing it wrong!

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level 2

Your mom knew, just didn't call you out.

level 3

Yeah. If your SO says that they want to spebangle your skadoodle with their beedlebop, it literally doesn't matter what euphemism you might be using, anyone except maybe little kids will know what you're talking about.

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level 1

Called my dad. We were chatting, and he asked me about an assignment; I proceeded to tell him that "{X teacher} really doesn't give a flying fuck what I do as long as I get it in on time"

My family is very liberal with our expletives, he doesn't usually care.

Except this time he panickedly informs me my very Catholic, very mortified grandparents are listening in on speaker.

They don't live with us. He gave me no warning, not a single heads up; I had no reason to know they were listening. But I guess now they know their granddaughter cusses like a sailor.

level 2

What was that about a flying duck? I only saw a goose

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level 1
1.9k points · 5 days ago · edited 5 days ago

"Michael, David Wallace. What is this about dismissing the ad people?" -David

"Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again."

"I'm on, Michael." -Ryan

"What's up my brotha?"

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level 1

I was on the phone with my wife (then GF) while she was shoe shopping with her mom and sister. I was driving and when traffic got heavy I got a bit of road rage. I blurted out a pretty long string of expletives to vent when I realized she hung up on me. She then called me back about 5 minutes later and explained that she put me on speaker and didnt tell me she did so she could try on a pair of shoes... so her mom and sister along with the entire shoe dept heard my rant. Needless to say from now on she tells me before she puts me on speaker...

level 2

I'm seeing a bunch of stories in this post about people just putting others on speakerphone without telling them. Why do people do that? Seems really inconsiderate.

I was taught as a little kid to always tell people if you're somewhere that what's being said might be inappropriate.

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level 1
1.5k points · 5 days ago

I'm gay and not out to most of my family. I had just gotten my wisdom teeth out so I was drugged up when I called my cousin, who I came out to a few years ago. He was in the room with his parents and I was on speaker phone when I went into all the details of my recovery, including a queue of lesbian movies to keep me occupied. He cut the call short so I wouldn't keep talking and said he'd call me later.

level 2
770 points · 5 days ago

I read this as you being a male, so wanting to watch some lesbian movies was not that surprising....then I realized...you are a lesbian too...ahhhhhhhhhh.

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level 1

I might have the first occurrence of this actually. In 1994, my buddy put a telephony app on his Compaq something or other. We called a friend of his, and the friend didn't realize he was on speakerphone through the PC. The guy asked who the PC owner/friend was hanging out with, and my friend named us all. The guy on the other end said, 'OMG, so-and-so is there? get rid of that loser'

I felt so bad for so-and-so. Worst part. So-and-so and the guy on the phone were roommates.

level 2
554 points · 5 days ago

“oh my god they were roommates”

level 3

and they were roommates

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level 2

Damn that’s harsh

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level 1

Mine is simple:


Loud Mouth Mike (LMM) shared an office with me, or at least it was an open-office sort of arrangement with the pair of us in our own room together.

LMM loved his speaker-phone. If he ever picked up the hand-set, I'd know that he was talking about something sketchy. Instead, he'd sit leaned back in his chair, booming at the telephone, and me.

Eventually, I had a talk with LMM and let him know that I preferred not to be part of his every conversation. I asked him to use the handset at least on personal calls (hint: BORING!), and maybe he should consider using it if I happened to be on the phone.

Of course, he laughed at me, said "sure, no problem!" and nothing changed.

So, I prepared my second tactic, and waited till he was on the line hands-free with Samantha, a rather pretty sales rep that he happened to have the hots for. While he was leaned back, loudly going over some accounts figures with her I walked up to his desk, placed my brand new whoopie-cushion on the desk beside his phone, looked him in the eye and leaned on it. Huge flatulence noises ensued.

Horrified, he hung up on her. I sat back down on my side of the room, grinning at him and brandishing the red rubber toy. His phone rang, and he picked up the handset and tried to explain it as some kind of bad connection static.

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level 1
312 points · 5 days ago

Radio station KROQ, Los Angeles area, morning drive. Mid 1980's. Emilio Estevez is in the studio with the DJs - probably promoting some movie. The whole broadcast team is young and stupid, and the brilliant idea is discussed to call up Estevez' friend. Rob Lowe.

Emilio Estevez says hello, Rob Lowe immediately starts in talking about the hot under-aged red-head he found at the party the night before. I forget how far the conversation went, but it was pretty obvious that Rob Lowe 'took the jail bait'.

A year or two later, he got involved in a sex-tape scandal with another underage girl, but KROQ listeners knew beforehand!

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level 1
913 points · 5 days ago

My friend called to tell me she was pregnant. First thing I said was something along the lines of "oh. Well how do you feel about that?" following an awkward silence she told me I was on speaker phone and the father was there. Oops, should have just said congrats.

level 2
1.0k points · 5 days ago

That seems like a pretty legit question though.

level 3
439 points · 5 days ago

For real. Especially depending on your life stage. I'm at the age where a lot of my friends are married, but still pretty young, and want kids eventually, but not right now. You don't want to celebrate with someone who feels like a baby will ruin their life right now, but you don't want to commiserate with someone who feels like this is the miracle of life inside them. It's a fair question to check before reacting.

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level 2
200 points · 5 days ago

My go-to response is always “oh wow! How are you feeling?!” in my standard enthusiast voice. It’s much easier to sell the question when they can’t see your face...perfect for speaker phone 👍🏻

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level 1
308 points · 5 days ago

I have two. These will probably get buried, but this is my moment.

  1. I was working from my future in-laws house back when my wife and I were still dating. I was working in the living room and hopped on an afternoon conference call with my boss and a couple of executive folks I needed to brief on something. Call hasn't started yet, we're waiting for someone to join so it's silent. All of my sudden, my future mother in law walks into the room, sees that her tiny dog has shit on the rug, and exclaims loudly "DID YOU POOP ON THE RUG!?". I was not on mute. Laughing ensued. One executive pointedly asked "Who shit on the rug?"

  2. It was a Sunday night. We had a massive incident going on (I worked WebOps) related to a critical server being not coming back online after a reboot for routine maintenance that morning. I had been on this call since noon. Prior to having my Sunday interrupted by this call, I had promised to make dinner for my girlfriend (now wife). She came home from work, there was no dinner, but me in my office juggling two different phone calls and no dinner. She's had enough of this shit (this was a routine occurrence at the time) and starts packing to move out. Needless to say convincing her to not to leave while managing the mute button for two different phones was uh, difficult. My team, my customers and who knows what vendor reps (minimally Sun Microsystems and Symantec,fuck you Veritas) all got to hear my desperate pleas that "this job will get better, it won't be like this forever, I'm just new and trying to prove myself a team player." She did not leave and ordered Chinese food. Boss and I had a nice chat about work-life balance on Monday and things did indeed get better. We're married 10 years next April so all good now. I don't work in ops anymore.

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level 1

I wasn't the idiot....this time.... Just some background info: I'm a large white guy with a beard and shaved head. Worked for a cable company. Called another coworker for advice and put it on speaker because I needed free hands to use tools.

First thing he says, and to my knowledge the only time he has ever said it to me: "What's up n*gga!?!"

Bright red I say loudly, "Uh, you're on speaker phone moron," and then I proceeded to apologize profusely to the kind black family who didn't kill me or complain to my boss.

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level 1
103 points · 5 days ago

I work at a coffee shop. I was working the drive through. Someone came up to the speaker and ordered the most disgusting sounding drink I'd ever heard. Still, to this day, I've never heard a more sickening order. I guess I forgot to turn off my end of the speaker and I said (loudly) "EWWWW!! Did ya'll hear that drink?" I felt pretty bad.

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level 1

Told my mother she needed to leave work and take me to a&e as I thought I had testicular torsion.

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level 1
99 points · 5 days ago

I hate speaker phone and have made that abundantly clear at work. Service advisors still love to use speaker phone to call me when they have customers in their office.

I give them one warning by saying "I can't hear you." In hopes that they pick up the phone. Sometimes they just yell louder, in which case I start swearing.

"Not sure when (the part) will get here, let me call those fuckers and find out."

They usually pick up the phone real quick at that point, then I remind them to never put me on speaker again.

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level 1
181 points · 5 days ago

My brother used to always get in trouble in highschool and they would have to always call my mom. One day my mom sees the school number and answers it expecting the vice principle. My brother says “hey mom” and my moms instant reply was to say how she’s so happy it’s him and not the school calling about something stupid. Learned she was on speaker a little too late

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level 1
412 points · 5 days ago

My drunk girlfriend asking me if I'm going to be on my period this weekend because it's her birthday and her sex drive is going to be through the roof. My parents were within earshot in the next room, and I couldn't take her off speaker because she'd accidentally done the call as a video chat, not voice only. Bless her socks.

level 2
83 points · 5 days ago

Oh lord this made the color drain from my face. What was your parents reaction??

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level 2

Bless her socks is my new favorite saying

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level 1
51 points · 4 days ago

Two weeks ago I ripped the carpet out of my house and decided to hire someone to sand, stain, and coat the hardwood floors beneath them. My uncle recommended a guy that he'd hired before. A "colored fella" (this is in Louisiana).

Anyway the guy, Randy, shows up and has a great sense of humor and we are having a great time. He was pretty huge and intimidating and looked about like the guy from The Green Mile. My uncle calls and as I usually do I put the phone on speaker just to keep it away from my head. He says, just as Randy walks into the room, "Did that nigger man ever show up?"

My heart pretty much stopped. I looked up at Randy, who let me suffer for three or four hellish seconds before revealing the most jokerish smile I've ever seen on someone. He left the room with his hand over his mouth and muffled his laughter so as not to embarrass my uncle. He was also just kind of laughing at my general awkwardness I think.

"Uh yeah, that's the one."

Left my floors looking like gold.

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level 1

Was talking to my girlfriend at the time. Don't remember the exact details, but she was in her living room working on a project and I guess her hands were full literally, so she was talking on her home phone on speaker. Wasn't a very concentrated conversation. I kind of drifted into my head. I had met with an Army reserve recruiter earlier and was thinking about that and started humming the Army song. Then proceeded to hum with growing intensity parts of the other service branch hymms (this type of eccentric behavior was not out of the ordinary between us, especially as we were both in band lol). I get halfway through the Air Force's "Off we go" and of course I'm getting pretty into it at this point. She starts to giggle and I assume it's just because I'm being a complete dork. I hear something in the background and she says "Babe, btw you're on speaker and my dad just asked me to ask you to please shut the hell up". Apparently her whole family was around enjoying my little concert...

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level 1

I was on a conference call for an entire region of my company with multiple departments. VPs for said groups were on the call. I said my piece for the call, then (thought) I put myself on mute.

Went over to a co-worker's cube and started shooting the shit with him, clearly not listening to the call. At one point, I complained to him about dealing with certain people in one of the departments on the call.

My boss's boss came rushing around the corner to tell me to mute my line. I had been unmuted the whole time, and everyone heard everything. I had been getting multiple emails telling me to mute my line that I had not yet seen.

Luckily, I quit that job a few weeks later for unrelated reasons.

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level 1
74 points · 5 days ago

Not speaker phone, but I had a group of gaming friends in google hangouts (during the three weeks it was relevant). One of then started looking at porn on screen share with 9 of us including a couple of elderly women in channel.

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level 1

Not necessarily speaker phone but...

I was at my family's house playing card games, and my girlfriend was on the way over to join us. Before she arrives, I get a call from her.

Side note: My family doesn't swear, super Christian. My phone wasn't on speaker, just loud.

"Honey, there is a man BUTT FUCKING NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD"

Cue ridiculous laughter, little brother saying "did she just swear???' and my realization that they could hear it all.

Anyways, we went to sort it out and it turns out this guy had been arguing with his girl in the car and he said how he paid for some of her shit, so she responded "well I bought you those clothes". So the guy stripped down and got out of the car and threw his clothes at her and said 'you can have em!!" And was walking home...

Funniest shit ever

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level 1

When I was first dating my husband he called me and I launched into telling home what I was going to do with him when he got home.

“Uh babe, you’re on speaker” Half a dozen people, including his boss, got to enjoy me dirty talking to my man.

level 2

What kind of guy calls their gf like that on speaker in front of co-workers and their boss lmao like seriously

level 3
218 points · 5 days ago

If one of us is on speaker, my guy and I always start with, “Heyyou’reonspeaker!”

level 4

As is tradition!

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level 1

It was Prom night and I was in the car with my gf. My mom called while I was driving and immediately goes “what the hell is your date wearing, that looks retarded” followed by a couple seconds of silence, then we both burst out laughing. My mom was pissed for awhile at me.

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